Baby Anxiety

So Monday is the big day. The doctor says baby Nichols should be here by 10 a.m. if not before, depending on whether or not I am the first or second c-section scheduled. Can I just tell you that I am one huge ball of emotions. I am having so many mixed feelings. It is so weird and I think I have cried non-stop for the past two weeks, not that surprising right?

First of all I am scared to death. I know this probably sounds a little silly. It is my second c-section so I should know what is coming. Everyone swears that your second one is way easier and my doctor promises that my recovery will be 100 times better because I won't labor for 26 hours like with MSN. I'm sure all of this is true, however, this is still MAJOR surgery and I'm scared. I had such a hard time with my recovery last time I can't help but be nervous. Thankfully my friend Dona, who has had three c-sections shared with me that she was terrified before every one of hers too. I'm very thankful for her honesty because I felt like I was being this big baby that everyone thought was crazy.

For the past two weeks I have also been super sentimental about this being our "last" time with Mary Selwyn. To be fair I had these exact same feelings right before Mary Selwyn was born about it being the last time it would be just me and Shay. A little crazy I know and it does not mean I am any less excited about the new addition or starting next chapter of life as a family. It just means I'm a little overwhelmed by this big life change. If I'm being honest, I'm probably a little sad that this chapter is closing because I try my hardest not to take for granted any of my days with Mary Selwyn and our time as a family and part of me feels like it has flown by. Poor Shay doesn't quite understand this or the tears that fall every time we talk about it. (Just in case you are wondering I'm balling my way through this blog, I can't hardly see the screen.)

Naturally, just the thought of having another child to take care of makes me a nervous wreck. I mean can I really do this, have 2 kids??? Really?? I know almost every mother has had this thought too. I also worry about how well Mary Selwyn will adjust to this new baby. I feel very confident that she will do well. She is so sweet and loving and excited about this baby. She is also only 21 1/2 months old and how much does she really understand. This new baby will come into the world with a sibling so they won't ever know any different but Mary Selwyn is smart and she knows what life is like not having to share attention. I'm sure it won't take her too long to forget but I think there will be days when she will be very aware of the baby's presence. Again, deep down I feel like she is really going to do great and love being a big sister but I have a tiny bit of lingering doubt.

Now let me talk out of the other side of my mouth. I am so extremely excited about the arrival of this sweet baby. I cannot wait to find out what it is. I am totally fine with a girl or a boy. I think ideally everyone would like to have a girl and a boy...one of each you know how it goes. A boy would be fun and a new adventure for us. A girl would be great also. How fun would it be for Mary Selwyn to have a sister so close in age? I'm super excited for the doctor to say "It's a ______!" I can't wait to hold and squeeze and kiss this little baby. It feels like forever since we have had a new born, I hope I remember how to do everything, ha ha. I'm also anxious to see how big this baby is going to be. Mary Selwyn was a whopping 9lbs 4oz and the doctor was feeling my stomach the other day and his reaction was "Whoa!!" I told him I already expected for this baby to be big one too, you can't shock me this time, Mary Selwyn's weight was a shock enough. I know that I will always be blessed with big babies, which is perfectly fine with me.

This pregnancy has been a dream. No throwing up, I'm not nearly as big and have gained less weight and overall I have felt great, well until 3 weeks ago that is. My only complaint this pregnancy has been the back pain and in the last 3 weeks that pain has spread to my hips and down my legs and there have been days when I can't move. I feel like a 90 year old woman. It is awful. This baby is so low it is putting pressure everywhere and everything below my belly button hurts. I never experienced anything like this with Mary Selwyn, I did throw up for several, several weeks but I was so comfortable with her all the time. I could have skipped into the hospital last time. I felt no need to get her out, this baby needs to come out before I have to start using a walker, no joke. As miserable as I am I really do love being pregnant and I will miss it. I can't believe I only have one more day to feel the wiggles inside of me. I know, I know, there is no winning with me....

Enough of my novel but I wanted to make note of all of my feelings. I planned on doing a night before post but things are going to be so crazy tomorrow with family coming in and I feel very sure I will not be able to sit still. I also feel sure I will be having all of these same feelings with a little extra anxiety. My nerves are going to be crazy and there will be a lot of praying. All your prayers will be appreciated.

Here are our pictures from Easter. We had a great Easter weekend. Mary Selwyn wore a dress that is almost 30 years old that Shay's Meme made. It was beautiful. I celebrated my 27th birthday last weekend and I promise I have found 27 new grey hairs, one for every year I guess. The curse of dark hair. Today we took Mary Selwyn to Chuck E Cheese for the first time. Her last hoorah before baby arrives, just kidding, it was just a fun family day and big sister present for her. She loved the robot mouse. Her favorite thing to do was ride a car with Chuck E that took your picture every time you did it so we came home with many souvenir pictures. By the way we should at least be able to do a quick post on Monday letting everyone know if baby Nichols is a boy or a girl. The hospital has wireless and since we will be there until Thursday I should be able to post pictures pretty quick also.....lets hope I will feel up to it.