Tuesday, January 3, 2012

When did we get here?

I try really hard to be an enjoy the moment kind of girl.  I try really hard not to wish my life away, always trying to rush nap time, bedtime, the weekends, vacations ect.  I'm not always successful but I try hard to enjoy life's everyday moments because I have always noticed that they pass rather quickly.  I am the mom that is sad that school starts back tomorrow and that before I know it, in this new year, both of my children will be turning another year older. Yes, I am that mom that secretly (or not so secretly) cries the night before my kid's birthday because that means they are getting is a happy/sad cry of course because I am so thankful for every year but sad they are moving further away from being my baby.  Back to the point, even though I consider my self to be "stop and smell the roses" kind of person there are many moments when life kind of just hits me.  It stops me in my tracks and I think to myself, "I can't believe I'm married with two children.  Seems like I was just a little girl dreaming of these days."  It is hard for me to believe I have been out of high school for over 10 years, (but if I am being honest those were the days I tried to soak up the least) or over  7 years since those super fun college years.  Seems like my wedding was just yesterday, I've always felt like I didn't get enough time in that dress.  And gosh, I remember every day of both pregnancies.  I was that pregnant girl that was never "ready."  I liked having those babies in my belly, I savored the pregnant days and the days before the changes their deliveries brought. 

The Tuesday before Christmas my Grandmother had to be taken to the hospital with some seriously scary health issues.  She has been in the hospital ever since and in and out of ICU twice now.  Her first day in ICU  I drove up for the day to be at all the visiting times.  Having to leave the hospital was really hard that day with so much uncertainty.  As I left her room from my last visitation I think I had already told her I loved her 10 times but the last time I said it, I was closing the curtain and this time she replied, "I love you more."  Yes, I lost it.  Yes, I am crying now as I type this.  She tells my girls this all the time but it was the first time in a long time that I had heard her say it to me, like that.  It is hard to explain exactly but on my quiet drive home her words rung in my ears and then it hit me, how did we get here so fast?  

I remember exactly where on the highway I was when this question literally slapped me in the face.  How is it possible that my grandmother is at an age where my family sits nervously in hospital waiting rooms.  It hasn't been that long since we came to "live" with her for the summers and slept on horrific blue futons with bright pink bunnies.  It hasn't been that long since I was the child, even as a teenage, that loved to spend the night at grandmother's house and now I have two children that beg to spend the night there.  I mean werent we just gathered in a dressing room buying my wedding dress?  And the day she officially became "Great-Grandmother", when she walked in the room during an unpleasant contraction grabbed my hand and said "I am so proud of you.  Grandmother loves you so much," that really was yesterday, not four years ago.  How could all of this passed me by so quickly?  When did we get here and how could I be so unprepared for this? 

Recently after knee replacement surgery, my Granddaddy had to come to the realization that it was going to actually take him more than just the day he had expected to recover.  You have to really know him and his positive, love life attitude to appreciate that he told us, and I quote, "I'm not sure what happened.  I just woke up one day and I was old." 

That was what I felt driving home in that moment.  Like I had just woken up and realized my grandparents, my grandmother, is old.  In that moment, I longed to go home, pack up my girls and  camp out at their house for days spending as much time with their great grandparents as possible.  The I realized that our next camp out will not be taking place any day soon, I am confident we will have the chance to do this again but it will not come soon enough.

Do you ever have those moments where you just wake up and say wait, how did I get here so quickly???  I think I have those moments more than the normal person.  I think the normal person just thinks 'that's life.'  They would be correct, that is life.  I just wish 'that life' happened a little slower sometimes.  I bet my grandmother is feeling like 82 years went by pretty fast too right about now.  Thank God for vivid memories.

p.s. After several setbacks, my grandmother was moved out of ICU again yesterday and finally seems to be improving. We still have a very long road to go but I am so thankful there is a road ahead.


The Langham's said...

What a beautiful post. I'm praying for your grandmother.

Lauren said...

How insightful! Good grief, when DID we get here? I think everyone everywhere goes through this, especially during a health scare or death of a family member far too young to be gone. It just hits you in the face. Hang in there and keep us updated on grandmother's progress.

Margaret said...

Oh Denise, I cried as a read this. I'm the EXACT type of.mother that you described yourself as being, and I'm dreading preschool starting back after Christmas break just like you bc I just want to hang onto her forever, and don't even get me started about my dread for the day preschool starts for cope. It'll be the year simms starts true all day kindergarten. I'll really be a crying nut then. And I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I pray for a full and fast recovery and for yall to have that campout with her healthy!

The Weimer Family said...

Denise, I have been thinking the same thing lately and have asked Braxton the same question at least 3 times, not about grandparents but about having 2 children with a third on the way, shopping for minivans, etc. I am praying for your sweet grandmother! Please let me know if I can do anything to help your family.

kkd said...

What a sweet post! Praying for your grandmother and glad to hear she is making improvements. Love those precious pics of the girls with her.

Amanda said...

Denise, I think I'm the same as you. I forget how fast time goes by! I always think of myself as a 21 year old college student and Taylor has to remind me that college was 10 years ago. It's kinda become a joke around here. I think he is worried about how I will handle my 30th b'day in March! ha!
Your grandmother is so sweet. I hope she starts feeling better soon. And what a blessing to not have had health problems really until 82! I will be praying for your family. Oh and I will be that mom that cries before birthday parties too :)

ss said...

oh nise... we are so alike. yes i am a crier too & i drag my girls to the nursing home EVERY monday to see my grandparents. i am just so scared to think which week will be our last visit. so sorry to hear that your grandmother isnt well, but like you said- at least there's a road ahead. love you & wish you were closer!

ACT said...

This is a precious post. I can totally relate to the "when did we get here" part. Such a surreal feeling. Praying for your grandmother!

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